Do I Live Contradictorily?

After leaving Friendster for more than a year, I had remembered to log in again today and was going through the comments posted on my wall, like ages ago. That wall plastered with 'The Mosquitos' faces, was filled with some 652 comments by which I'd deleted a big portion from the bulk of mostly spams, wishes and greetings. I'd kept only a few meaningful ones behinds. Those filled with encouragements, testimonials and some posted by people whom I treasure. I logged out with a twinge of conscience. I knew then how much my character had changed over time. It wasn't intentional, but people do change, don't they? For better or for worse. It's all personal, I know myself more than anyone else does.

http://www.friendster.com/wendyter

There were times when I was subjected to self doubt. I'm pretty much a negative minded girl. Simple example. Friends would come with comments such as this.

Seriously, I'm weird like this. I voice out displeasing understanding towards every statement which contradicts to what I have in discernment. I'm sorry if I'd breached your kindness or sweetness. It was unintended. I'm just so. But I do appreciate the lovely comments given.

If I'm a changed person, the first attitude which I would have noted a change from the appraisal given was being mild tempered. I don't reckon myself to be at all without temper. I can be petulance when I get really annoyed, nevertheless with attempts to suppress the anger and frustration so that I don't flare a tone and scare a friend away. Of recent, I've been really bad at curbing this short tempered behaviour of mine. At some instances, I had indirectly erupted a frustration or argument with people whom I'm close to. Emo, they called it. Sincerest apology to those whom I'd done so. You know who you are. I know it was hard tolerating my fluctuations.

The many comments I received for being friendly, I guess I'm not so now. Pretty much an asocial creature hibernating in my own comfort zone. I used to love making new friends, but I realized it's better to keep an established friendship by my side than to readapt to new ones. I just lost the interest in rebuilding a friendship and taking the effort to understand someone all over again. I'm comfortable with the people around me and they are awesome! They stood by me all along. I don't need more as such. No pun intended to be sarcastic nor arrogant, but yeah, I'm still in a recuperating stage. So pardon me for being apathetic.

I don't deny how my walk in C had backslided quite a bit as compared to the strong faith I had more than half a decade ago. I was living in that little bubble where I was tightly enclosed by a bunch of cool C friends. I lived within a circle of friends who embrace the same religion as I do. For everywhere I went, I had them as a support. If you were to look through my comments, you're going to realize the amount of people who left at least a phrase that has gotta do with me being a C. I was at much comfort during that time receiving such encouragements. Things started changing when I was exposed to a community where majority of the people I was with are non believers. It wasn't at all an easy task to keep myself on track. The fact is, I find it easier to institute a mutual communication with the latter community. I don't see myself living as a hypocrite in order to please others. In other words, the statements quoted by my friends weren't exactly true when I don't think I lived in par with what they thought I was. Had I known such dilemma would arise, I could have defended myself even more. 

I no longer enjoy the pressure coming from various directions I tried succumbing to. I'm no saint. But am truly thankful for really awesome parents who understood my position and they stood up on my behalf. It's not an easy task to bring on a mask everywhere you go, trying to be as perfect as how a C should be. Oh, but I'm really tired living in such a manner when everyone put a high expectation on me. I know they have my interest at heart but those care are varying from my likings. I was glad to have a beloved sister who understood the hurdles I'm trying to pull through.

I'm still learning. My characters are still developing before they get stabilized. So does my mood. I'm still searching for a place where I belong. I've gotta know me more. Someday when my faith starts rebuilding, hopefully I'll be the perfect girl everyone appraised. I'm still far from that point, discombobulated in my very own manner.

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird...I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd...but don't be naive
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won't you concede
Even heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me

Superman