Warm and Fuzzy

My eyes caught the glimpse of this close-to-perfection darling of heart, like droplets of the precious morning dews before they evaporate and vanish under the heat of the sun and so indistinctively warmed by an affection which I could have possible explained in a verbiage from the bottom of my throbbing heart. Sincerely. I was frosted before I felt this little tinge of warmth that slowly unstructured the tiny molecules of my fragile heart. It amplified the velocity of collision that I could hardly control the momentum. So fuzzy, I couldn't recall since when and how the event took place but for all I know, a liquid me was moulded back with care into a more complete piece in accordance to his personality while this is what I went in depth in search of perfection. Yes, this is it. I told myself - this is the mould that I want to snuggly fit in and be in it for as long as I'm granted to stay. It's about that speckle of stardust I'd secretly stolen from this comfort zone, an act that has not been documented in doctrine yet every step I take is a leap of faith and so far, faith hasn't left me despondent. I may not be perfect, I may not be the princess. I may not be everything this man has ever wanted from a woman, yet he's all that I can ask for, all that I've ever wanted. It's a non-obligatory bliss to wake up every morning, not finding dews but a particular someone who engages a corner of your mind and you perpetually cogitate on the soft whisper that tells - this is the day! This journey which I'd embarked on might not be something new, but the best I would disclose. There's no way I can draw a discrete distinction in this relationship as to how far we'll be ushered. Just like how I'm unable to fraction this note into paragraphs when I do not know where to make the cut. I could go on and on typing with this endless flight of ideas. Even if it’s a sensation I am weaving together from my own idyllic wishes and retrospection, I'll never want to let loose of my grip. All because I do not want to lose someone so dear to me. When my worst adversary, frailty takes its stand, I'll always remember when I pass the life of this period of time. So warm, fuzzy and close to perfection.

Inept

It's about time to sleep. My eyes are so tired now. I've taken a couple of hours reading about lymphoma. Just yesterday, one of my good friends I knew since pre-U sent me a text to ask for my expert opinion (a medical student point of view of course!). His younger sister had been diagnosed with mediastinal non-Hodgkin lymphoma a month back and according to the doc, it's already gone into stage II with spread to the lungs. Last CT scan was dated a month ago showing no other organ involvement and she's currently undergoing chemotherapy. Now and then, she feels localized pain at her spine. Question was, is this back pain a side effect of chemotherapy or a sign of spread or a complication of the disease itself.

Well, as a medical student, my first concern would be either it's a spread or a complication like osteoporosis. No doubt, spread and osteoporosis are the two courses of presentation I'm very well-versed of in lymphoma, but what I actually do not know is whether the bone pain is a side effect of chemotherapy? I couldn't at all give him a definite answer when he kept asking if there's a possibility that it's due to the side effect of drugs. On one hand, I empathize this girl who's suffering from such crucial pain when lymphoma is not exactly common at her age group and the fact that her family members are all worried about her. It's sad to read statuses posted by this friend about his sister on Fb. On the other hand, I feel really helpless with my limited knowledge that seems to have no room left for expansion yet I really want to help. I was actually looking through emedicine while answering some of his questions, which is what any layman could have done as well. I suppose I ain't any better even at the verge of finishing med school.

When it comes to expert opinions which I do encounter frequently, most of the time I just failed to give a confident answer simply because I'm not confident over things that I do not know. It's about questioning myself if there's something about it that I do not know, or if it's something that I know but am doubtful about my own judgment. The only positive annotation for being inept in knowledge is that it forces me to read more about that disease, which explains why I'm still awake at this hour.

Koonling and Chernlin's 25th

I'd been kinda asocial over the past months that I actually turned down quite a number of parties, mostly birthday parties or occasionally some drinking sessions with friends. There were days when I was really busy with studies and there were days too when I just felt like doing nothing but staying at home and rest. Forget about applying makeup, even dressing up is a troublesome task to me nowadays.

Set aside the fact that I'm asocial. Koon Ling and Chern Lin turned 25 this week and it's definitely hostile if I were to reject tthe invitation for these two lovely girls' birthday celebration. We had ourselves a wonderful night @ Movida followed by a karaoke session that rocked the night till almost 2.30am. I returned home with a temporary-paralyzed vocal cord and hoarseness of voice. By the way, Movida serves really nice food I think I should frequent that place if not for the fact that it's crowded with people and really smokey.

Gorgeous girls.

The best method for eating this cake!

Sinful ice cream cake from BR.

HAIL KING ERIC!!! Guess what?? Eric was singing the song 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley!

Dancing the 'Nobody' dance by Wonder Girls.

Teddy Hug

Spent the last 9 hours preparing slides for my presentation and halfway through, I got really frustrated and discouraged cuz I screwed up one of my recent test and God-knows-why I was so moody. Totally demotivated while final exam is just 4 months away!! *panic attack* Just as my friend and I were ranting to each other about how wretched are our lives, I received the sweetest message that made me smile like an imbecile after reading. A message from that man who twitches my heart very now and then even with the simplest word like 'Hello!'. Of course, he replied really sweetly to my message and despite him saying he's boring, he's got me completely smitten. I had never imagined myself writing so many sticky posts like this, not even in my past relationships. Yet I proved myself wrong this time. This man has gotta be really special. (:

Can I pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I can make a wish to have him here right now. If only I could convert those infinite virtual teddy hugs into real ones immediately, I guess I'll never want to let go. *blush* People say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I choose to differ. I would say beauty is in the eye of the bear-holder. Just how I wished those virtual teddy hugs can breathe air and come to life! Or make (xoxo)cillin come to real? d:

Xoxo to you readers, nothing more but virtually! (: Good night!

Little hearts never fear when teddy bear is near!

Hello Kitty!

It's a long weekend where I had initially planned to make a trip to Penang with Bc when she suggested, but Keston is away in Japan and we had to call it off. I came back instead cuz Eunice is back and I've gotta renew my passport. Woke up freaking early on Friday morning and went to the immigration department, got the forms filled, picture snapped and tadaaa! My I/C was not in my purse!! And I still can't recall where I had it misplaced! Arghh... :S And since I was already awake, I drove grandma and grandaunt around town to get some groceries and herbs, then brought them for lunch. Went to meet sis in Kluang for dinner cuz the big news from her was 'Wendy is going to be an aunt by 2012!'. Wheeee~ Saturday, met up with Eunice, Michele and her sis, Wendy. We brought her little nieces, Melissa and Denise for Rio. It's been such a long while since I last brought the kids out and boy, they're adorable!! It's good to see my babes again and a little catch up every now and then seems like a brilliant bond.

Luckily the long weekend was spent doing something rather than nothing. Okay, I did idled around, and being a couch potato is just so me!! Nothing beats lounging on the bed in pajamas with a laptop next to me, a TV in front of my vision watching the all time favorite series, Smallville, popping chocolates into my mouth and sipping a cup of fragrant Earl Grey tea. This is heaven!! But out of boredom, I picked up my collection of tiny soft toys and started playing with Photobooth. d: I have a set of 7 pairs of Hello Kitty collected from McD's Happy Meal when I was younger! I'm not a fan of this kitty cat, but somehow I just queued with the crowd every week to get the compendium, one at a time. Total of 14 cats in my room at the end of the Kitty season. -_-

Appetizer

Love is like a great meal. 
It's all in the preparation and enjoyment of serving. 

I've got the appetizer in my hand that arouses a larger appetite.

It's so enchanting, so magnificent, my heart leaps a beat.

It's so sweet, so luscious, it carves a smile.

And love awaits the main course. 
The magical three-letter words.

Someday to be served.
All just from you. 

Thank you for making me feel loved.
 ♥♥♥

24th Birthday with Besties

Supposed to post this up long ago but was too lazy to transfer these pictures from the phone. It was a birthday lunch with Soo and JK @ Wazen. Thank you so much for the treat and mini celebration. :D

Awww.. shooo shweeett!!

Loveliest bestie!

Untitled Post

Weekend in KL to help couz, Michelle, shop for clothes since she had just started her foundation studies in Taylor's and needed something formal to wear for presentation purposes. As usual, The Gardens has become a favorite shopping spot cuz it's the nearest megamall from aunt's crib. Found Michie a few shirts and slacks which she nodded complacently every time I asked whether she likes it or not. Buying her clothes is a pretty easy and snappy task cuz she's not picky like me.

So my intention to get a dress is of a disappointment again. ): I saw this red poplin dress from Promod which I adore very much! It's like, some bloody red kinda red, but size 4 were all sold out while size 6 fits really loosely especially the neckline that droops forward when I bend. Aishh, what to do when I don't have a busty chest? d: I really want this!! If anyone of you happen to walk in Promod, please keep a look out for size 4. If you find one, please tell me! Pretty please... This is the dress...

Met up with Wei Hao too on Saturday night. The last time I saw him was half a year ago during my electives in HUKM and boy, should I say he talks like an excellent houseman now? In fact all my seniors are. The fact that they start talking bout work is like, 'Wow!!'. I really do not know a lot! I'm pretty sure my part of learning comes after I start working too. :D Wheee. Right now, the only objective is to pass as a medical student, not a doctor.

Chill out posting

I'm starting to enjoy O&G posting cuz I get a lot of free time in between and schedule wise, it's not as hectic as all the other major postings I'd been through. Wheee~ I had time to spare on things I like, like shopping! and I'm blogging more often these days! :D Wanted to look for a dress but I ended up with 2 pairs of flip-flops, 2 pairs of shorts and 2 pairs of boxies. d: I just happened to grab all of them in doubles, unintentionally. So my intention to buy a dress was forfeited cuz I didn't want to spend so much in a day. Shall hunt for it in KL this weekend. I bought things which are more practical for me, as in I'm gonna wear them more often on daily basis than those dresses which I usually wear just once. Flip-flops, shorts and boxies are necessities on personal demand cuz they are so simple yet comfy.

In the afternoon, I had 4 hours of good long nap after so many nights of induced awakening by my own heart beat. It's been beating so hard I could feel the gush of blood shot right up to the pulsating carotids, or when I laid on lateral positions, I could hear the lub-dub rhythmic contractions in either ear. Probably, the heart is taking extra effort to compensate the ongoing monthly blood loss. Luckily it's coming to an end. Pheww~ Spent the rest of the day preparing for tomorrow's presentation, reading journals and articles on Pelvic Organ Prolapse. Truth to be told, I've never equipped myself this well over a presentation. It's an exception this time cuz 'you-know-what-I-mean' is coming! I still have a bit of stuff to alter which I'm still procrastinating over.

Called mummy at night cuz I hadn't heard her voice for days and we chatted for a while. Finally told her bout my little secret which she sounded more excited than me. (: Sometimes, mummy is just my best confidante whenever I'm in need of someone to talk to and she's the mummy who likes what I like, most importantly, she supports every decision of mine. The only time when I do not tell her things is when I do not want her to be worried. Now, I feel better after telling it to someone dear than keeping all these thoughts and feelings to myself. For all I know, I can run to my safe refuge should anything go negative and cry my heart out. It's hard to contain both sorrow and joy all by myself cuz I need someone to share it with.

On the other hand, I hope I'm not emotionally dependent currently, but I think I'm falling deeper and deeper into this feeling. Arghhh!! How???!! Every little word he said, every little gesture he'd shown caught my heart beating faster. Is that why I'm having palpitation? He does things at the right tempo, just as I wished. And as expected, I miss his presence pretty much... Most of everyday is filled with anticipation for a conversation. How???!! I hate to play this game of disguise and maintain my cool before him. I'm like a melting snowman who's unable to stand firm on my principle now. I say things which are generally beyond my norms. Oh, do you know how much I want to be like the water, a completely melted icy snowman. If only I could hear him teling me that he's feeling the same. If only he would tell me this is not a dream. ): I don't know why is it that I'm posting this but I do think about him dearly as the days go by. Sigh, keel me larhh! or I should just pull the trigger and get the bullet straight through my head. One day if he reads this, that's the end of me. Sigh. It's time to sleep this off. Yes, nowwwwwww!!! Nitez!

Grandmother

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. - Author unknown.

I held her cold, pale hand as we strolled down the shades in the park last weekend. We recollected those days before I removed all the innocence and how much that place had changed since then. She grasped my hands in hers and gently rubbed them against mine. 'Why are your palms so rough?' she asked in that usual monotonous tone. 'Of course they're rough. I've been doing my own laundry for years, grandma.' With a soft sigh, 'Yeah, it's been hard on you these years. At least Alvin has your aunt around to take care of him.' I could only soothe her words by telling her how much I've learned while being away from home and I've never regretted my decision.

What she had never discerned was her hands are actually rougher than mine, that pair of hands rugged by her stormy experience as she traverses life, hardship gotten from taking care of the family and aging that came in line. She walked towards a bench to take her seat as she watched the kids play. At that moment, I wondered what was running through the mind of this elderly whom I love and respect most. That was a picture of her side view I caught as my heart clinched hard and whispered with empathy. It is a comfort, knowing you are safe. I knew there were many constant worries that had never escaped her duty as a mother cum grandmother.

She would call me occasionally if I hadn't been home for a couple of weeks, just to make sure I'm doing okay, if I'm eating properly or when is my next trip home etc etc. Once, I saw her sitting at a corner and into a deep thought when I accidentally noticed her teary eye. I felt the pain as though my heart was pounded by a fist of feminism. It's inevitable to stop caring for my grandmother because that is my responsibility. Even if it's not about duty that I have to fulfill, I'd still pray for a road that will never ever end for I enjoyed every moment I had with her. It's a joy in fact to be able to take care of her like how she took care of me when I was young. It has become a habit to share a part of what she's going through and the amount of comfort she has given to me is what that matters. She's someone great, someone whom I can never find a replacement for a better comfort zone. I'd pray for her even more than me.